Jordio Kinesiology – with Jordie Slonim | Melbourne, Australia

Kinesiology & Vibrational Healing


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Duality/ Nonduality of Panic & Resilience

Have you ever felt panicked or anxious?

What story do you tell yourself when you’re in the middle of it?

When you dig into it, you’re likely to discover its usually an ‘I’m not good enough’ story.

IMG_0045In Kinesiology, we work on every aspect of self. So what happens physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, hormonally, chemically, relationally, socially when you are in a perpetual, daily state of fight, flight, freeze, fragmentation?

I remember 3 distinct times I went through extended periods of panic attacks. 

The physiology in each event was fairly similar. Nervousness around my solar plexus, denseness of breath, waking up, navigating my day, going to bed – all with a sense of panic & dread, not eating (definitely not my usual stress response). And not knowing when it would end was excruciating.

The first of these panic experiences, I was living in London, and after a series of stressful events, Iwitnessed a physical attack on my girlfriend.

The second was living in Ireland, 13 years later & breaking up with that same girlfriend.

The most recent was within the last 6 weeks, after my housemate was verbally abusive & aggressive,and, subsequently, needing to find a new housemate.

So, Panic. What is it?

Physiologically, we are programmed for survival. Our primitive responses kick in. To keep us alive. The digestive & reproductive systems slow, blood is directed to our arms & legs so we can either run away or fight. We become fully present in this fight/ flight response. Everything is about that. 

It forces you to be present, and yet not, at the same time. It’s not the only thing, but it is the only thing you can give to. Duality.

Within the housemate event, almost everything else in my life stopped. I did the bare minimum of work. My client base dropped, all extra work on creating my kinesiology protocols abated. All I could think about was – I need a new housemate.

And, with my current awarenesses through kinesiology & other tools & exploration of duality, navigating these panic attacks was a different experience.

The only tool that got me through that stage of extreme panic, was saying to myself, “Right now, in this second, I am good. I have a roof, I have a bed, I have food.”, over & over, sometimes hundreds of times a day, to navigate the physiology.

Amidst the physical sensations of panic, I knew I was telling myself a story, an ‘I’m not good enough’ story. 

Not good enough stories are about shame. Shame is a trauma response. So is panic. So maybe under every panic attack there’s a not good enough story. So I asked that panic feeling some questions.

And this is what I discovered:

My housemate not good enough story I was telling myself was, “No one wants me.” I was messaging loads of people & loads of them either didn’t respond or found one tiny thing wrong with the place. It was rare someone contacted me to see the space. 

After understanding this story & managing to employ SOME of my tools, I flipped the story, to embody ‘I am beautiful’, (a less than easy thing for me to write). 

Things changed, I had people contacting me, lots of them. And after I found someone, still lots of them were contacting me. 

By the way, an absolutely crucial element of bringing yourself out of shame is to share your story with someone you trust. “If you put shame in a petri dish and cover it with judgement, silence and secrecy, it grows out of control.” Brene Brown – ‘I Thought It Was Just Me (But It isn’t)

Sometimes, words mean nothing. Sometimes you just need someone with you in empathy, possibly saying something like, ‘this fucking sucks’. You simply need to be heard & seen, to help you out of that secrecy, silence & judgement. So I contacted a friend, something I wouldn’t have done before because I wouldn’t want to be a burden.

Sound familiar?

Over the past 8 or so years, since I broke up with the aforementioned girlfriend, through kinesiology, I have cleared many layers of what has been getting in the way of building & trusting my own resilience.

In the middle of this excruciating panic, alongside the reveal of this ‘No one wants me story’ I was able to have an awareness of the duality of the absolute gift of this situation. This housemate has been a magnificent teacher.

Her behaviour showed me the underlying childhood pattern playing out:

From childhood, here’s how it went…

  •  I do something ‘wrong’, 
  • there is verbal abuse, 
  • sometimes hitting, 
  • always name calling, 
  • I wouldn’t understand what I had done, 
  • no one would tell me, 
  • I would be ignored 
  • an eggshell environment was created
  • a few days later, they would act like nothing happened.

Two of my biggest shame triggers – Rejection and being Ignored.

Except for the hitting part, my housemate played this scenario out exactly!

And, I am abundantly grateful that while it was happening 

  1. I stayed aligned with my values of connection & autenticity, 
  2. I didn’t treat her how she treated me & for the most part kept calm
  3. I stood up for myself
  4. I could see this pattern from childhood

Resilience. 

Its only through building resilience & trust in my core values as guiding lights, that I feel totally magnificent about how I showed up, my integrity in tact, that I was able to celebrate that afterwards & didn’t do what I would usually do – give myself a hard time.

 During the housemate altercation, I could BE in the duality of the moment – the panic AND seeing the big picture with absolute love & compassion.

Finding a new housemate – the duality of panic about my ‘No one wants me’ story AND embodying the new ‘I am beautiful’ story at the same time. Being the compassionate witness, watching myself navigating the duality of the two stories – facsinating.

Panic. Shame. Resilience. Calm.

Can you be in both extremes of something simultaneously? The dualities?


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Shame Resilience: My Mother’s Day Experience

 

For me, Mother’s Day reminds me of two things. My feelings towards my own mother and my feelings about not being a mother. This is not the same every year, but this year, these feelings have taken over.

The feelings I get the majority of the time when I am around my mother, or going to be around her are dread, draining, inadequacy, guilt, not belonging, not good enough, disconnection, inauthentic, and deep deep shame. I have done an abundance of work around issues with her. And despite all the work I’ve done, I still feel shame not only with the issues with her, but also shame about the feelings I have. Especially when I have so much empathy with her about her own experiences.

I made a list of the emerging emotions around issues with my mother and issues with not being a mother and they are alarmingly similar! Today, however, I am going to lean towards addressing the experiences in regards to my own mother.

I was on my way to my mother’s house yesterday, walking along, an abundance of negative self talk (about the feelings about my mother), going through my head (I’m an asshole, I’m mean, I’m spoilt, I have no gratitude, I hate myself for feeling like this, I’m ashamed), and desperately wanting to smoke (I quit 4 years ago) or wanting some cake type thing (I still do this!).

So there I am, perpetuating the shame experience by either indulging in, or thinking about undertaking behaviours where I believe I should be isolated – eating crap & smoking. And when I do eat crap now, it is in isolation.

These behaviours don’t align with two of my core values of authenticity & connection.

Instead I want to disconnect – numb and be inauthentic by hiding my way of ‘coping’.

I suddenly remembered some work I’ve been doing in Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly & Rising Strong courses I have been looking at all that I do, say, think, feel & running them through these values – authenticity & connection, my driving forces.

So I came back to authenticity and connection – the resources that help me show up when I lose sight of my way and those shaming thoughts take over.

The only way to pull myself out of the shame I feel is to reconnect with my heart space & my reminder through the day became to shower myself with love & empathy, to love myself even though I feel this way.

From my work in Kinesiology & working with clients, I come back to reminding myself in my more logical moments, that the reaction I am having is an emotional one and that part of my brain has taken the reigns & logic is tied to the back of the horse carriage by a rope, stumbling along, trying to catch up to help steer the carriage. My entire being, in this reactional state, has gone into either a fight mode, fly away mode, freeze – just stop dead in its tracks or fragmentation mode – where I am trying to fight, fly away & freeze all at the same time and my being doesn’t know where its at.

In a kinesiology session, one of the techniques we often work with to help move through this kind of state are subconscious sabotages. We use a combination of tapping and the following phrase (the wording changes with some variables), along with an emotion, to clear whatever obstacle or sabotage our subconscious patterning is putting in the way of us moving forward with an issue:

For Example

In spite of this conflict in attitude about shame around my mother, I deeply and profoundly love, accept, respect and appreciate myself.”

So, along with reconnecting with my values of connection and authenticity, I found the variables, did the technique and released that deep emotional state that took hold……

Then I showered myself in love and empathy. And not in the form of cake either!

I don’t think I’m alone with my feelings about being around my mother and my feelings about not being a mother.

To stay authentic and connected, I am showing up and being seen with this experience.

I am writing this so whoever reads this and can relate with the emotions of the experiences, can know that they are not alone. I have been second guessing about whether to put this out there or not, for several reasons, one of which is that someone I know has lost her mother today. And also, because I look at all the flak people receive in the media for speaking about things like this and it almost stops me.

This time, I won’t let it stop me. The importance of connection and authenticity far outweigh any flak I might receive for any of the content of this article.