Jordio Kinesiology – with Jordie Slonim | Melbourne, Australia

Kinesiology & Vibrational Healing


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Shame Resilience: My Mother’s Day Experience

 

For me, Mother’s Day reminds me of two things. My feelings towards my own mother and my feelings about not being a mother. This is not the same every year, but this year, these feelings have taken over.

The feelings I get the majority of the time when I am around my mother, or going to be around her are dread, draining, inadequacy, guilt, not belonging, not good enough, disconnection, inauthentic, and deep deep shame. I have done an abundance of work around issues with her. And despite all the work I’ve done, I still feel shame not only with the issues with her, but also shame about the feelings I have. Especially when I have so much empathy with her about her own experiences.

I made a list of the emerging emotions around issues with my mother and issues with not being a mother and they are alarmingly similar! Today, however, I am going to lean towards addressing the experiences in regards to my own mother.

I was on my way to my mother’s house yesterday, walking along, an abundance of negative self talk (about the feelings about my mother), going through my head (I’m an asshole, I’m mean, I’m spoilt, I have no gratitude, I hate myself for feeling like this, I’m ashamed), and desperately wanting to smoke (I quit 4 years ago) or wanting some cake type thing (I still do this!).

So there I am, perpetuating the shame experience by either indulging in, or thinking about undertaking behaviours where I believe I should be isolated – eating crap & smoking. And when I do eat crap now, it is in isolation.

These behaviours don’t align with two of my core values of authenticity & connection.

Instead I want to disconnect – numb and be inauthentic by hiding my way of ‘coping’.

I suddenly remembered some work I’ve been doing in Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly & Rising Strong courses I have been looking at all that I do, say, think, feel & running them through these values – authenticity & connection, my driving forces.

So I came back to authenticity and connection – the resources that help me show up when I lose sight of my way and those shaming thoughts take over.

The only way to pull myself out of the shame I feel is to reconnect with my heart space & my reminder through the day became to shower myself with love & empathy, to love myself even though I feel this way.

From my work in Kinesiology & working with clients, I come back to reminding myself in my more logical moments, that the reaction I am having is an emotional one and that part of my brain has taken the reigns & logic is tied to the back of the horse carriage by a rope, stumbling along, trying to catch up to help steer the carriage. My entire being, in this reactional state, has gone into either a fight mode, fly away mode, freeze – just stop dead in its tracks or fragmentation mode – where I am trying to fight, fly away & freeze all at the same time and my being doesn’t know where its at.

In a kinesiology session, one of the techniques we often work with to help move through this kind of state are subconscious sabotages. We use a combination of tapping and the following phrase (the wording changes with some variables), along with an emotion, to clear whatever obstacle or sabotage our subconscious patterning is putting in the way of us moving forward with an issue:

For Example

In spite of this conflict in attitude about shame around my mother, I deeply and profoundly love, accept, respect and appreciate myself.”

So, along with reconnecting with my values of connection and authenticity, I found the variables, did the technique and released that deep emotional state that took hold……

Then I showered myself in love and empathy. And not in the form of cake either!

I don’t think I’m alone with my feelings about being around my mother and my feelings about not being a mother.

To stay authentic and connected, I am showing up and being seen with this experience.

I am writing this so whoever reads this and can relate with the emotions of the experiences, can know that they are not alone. I have been second guessing about whether to put this out there or not, for several reasons, one of which is that someone I know has lost her mother today. And also, because I look at all the flak people receive in the media for speaking about things like this and it almost stops me.

This time, I won’t let it stop me. The importance of connection and authenticity far outweigh any flak I might receive for any of the content of this article.

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If you say you can, you can, if you say you can’t you can’t. You are always right.

How do you talk to yourself and how does that affect you in your everyday life?

When I was about 14 or 15, I played competition squash. In one of my first matches, I was doing really well and feeling very confident. It was game point and all I had to do was win this point and I would win the match, best out of 3 games.

I made a silly mistake and lost the point. The way I spoke to myself after losing that point was horrendous. I then went on to lose that game, and then the next and then the next until I had gone from nearly winning 3-0, to losing 2-3.

With each point I lost, I was harder and harder on myself, I felt angrier and ashamed.

The words I said to myself, affected my performance

In our every day lives, we each have many roles – wife, mother, daughter, husband, father, son, friend, acquaintance, colleague, boss – I’m sure you can think of many more.

Our reactions and responses may vary widely depending on the role we are in. The amount of time or energy one role encompasses, or the demands of that role, may also vary and infringe on other roles, affecting our performance.

For example, if you have had a particularly stressful day at work, how may that affect your role in your family?

Our self image in a role is affected by our performance in that role and the things we say to ourselves in that role.

Our self talk about our performance has a powerful effect on our performance and is the most effective place to break the cycle of poor performance, poor self image and negative self talk about ourselves and our performance.

No matter if the performance was good or not, what we say before and after will affect our self image in that role

“We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking as when we created them.” Albert Einstein

If all you hear from yourself is critical, negative self talk, these messages you are giving yourself lower the level of your performance.

They create stress and increased effort and pressure to perform at a level that is satisfying for you. Because the disappointment of not doing better is so great, we’re upset with ourselves in that role and the result is a low self image.

We create a cycle of negative self talk, lowering our confidence, lowering our self esteem, our self worth and our energy levels. This cycle may ultimately lead to withdrawing from trying new things which help us to expand, learn and grow.

  • How many hats do you wear in how many roles in your life?
  • What are the responsibilities that go with those hats?
  • Do you feel that any of your roles infringe on any other roles?
  • How do you find a balance?

I will often explain to my clients, that a large part of what we do in Kinesiology is to relieve the stress in situations, so that you can function more at your optimum level.

We don’t deny or suppress what is going on, but we work with your circumstances to release the obstacles which may block you from achieving, in this case, your optimum self in each role, within each of the hats that you may wear, and help you to find a healthy balance.

There are many Kinesiology techniques to help to release you from cycles of negative self talk

If you would like more information or to book an appointment please contact me, or you can visit me on Facebook.