Jordio Kinesiology – with Jordie Slonim | Melbourne, Australia

Kinesiology & Vibrational Healing


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Shame Resilience: My Mother’s Day Experience

 

For me, Mother’s Day reminds me of two things. My feelings towards my own mother and my feelings about not being a mother. This is not the same every year, but this year, these feelings have taken over.

The feelings I get the majority of the time when I am around my mother, or going to be around her are dread, draining, inadequacy, guilt, not belonging, not good enough, disconnection, inauthentic, and deep deep shame. I have done an abundance of work around issues with her. And despite all the work I’ve done, I still feel shame not only with the issues with her, but also shame about the feelings I have. Especially when I have so much empathy with her about her own experiences.

I made a list of the emerging emotions around issues with my mother and issues with not being a mother and they are alarmingly similar! Today, however, I am going to lean towards addressing the experiences in regards to my own mother.

I was on my way to my mother’s house yesterday, walking along, an abundance of negative self talk (about the feelings about my mother), going through my head (I’m an asshole, I’m mean, I’m spoilt, I have no gratitude, I hate myself for feeling like this, I’m ashamed), and desperately wanting to smoke (I quit 4 years ago) or wanting some cake type thing (I still do this!).

So there I am, perpetuating the shame experience by either indulging in, or thinking about undertaking behaviours where I believe I should be isolated – eating crap & smoking. And when I do eat crap now, it is in isolation.

These behaviours don’t align with two of my core values of authenticity & connection.

Instead I want to disconnect – numb and be inauthentic by hiding my way of ‘coping’.

I suddenly remembered some work I’ve been doing in Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly & Rising Strong courses I have been looking at all that I do, say, think, feel & running them through these values – authenticity & connection, my driving forces.

So I came back to authenticity and connection – the resources that help me show up when I lose sight of my way and those shaming thoughts take over.

The only way to pull myself out of the shame I feel is to reconnect with my heart space & my reminder through the day became to shower myself with love & empathy, to love myself even though I feel this way.

From my work in Kinesiology & working with clients, I come back to reminding myself in my more logical moments, that the reaction I am having is an emotional one and that part of my brain has taken the reigns & logic is tied to the back of the horse carriage by a rope, stumbling along, trying to catch up to help steer the carriage. My entire being, in this reactional state, has gone into either a fight mode, fly away mode, freeze – just stop dead in its tracks or fragmentation mode – where I am trying to fight, fly away & freeze all at the same time and my being doesn’t know where its at.

In a kinesiology session, one of the techniques we often work with to help move through this kind of state are subconscious sabotages. We use a combination of tapping and the following phrase (the wording changes with some variables), along with an emotion, to clear whatever obstacle or sabotage our subconscious patterning is putting in the way of us moving forward with an issue:

For Example

In spite of this conflict in attitude about shame around my mother, I deeply and profoundly love, accept, respect and appreciate myself.”

So, along with reconnecting with my values of connection and authenticity, I found the variables, did the technique and released that deep emotional state that took hold……

Then I showered myself in love and empathy. And not in the form of cake either!

I don’t think I’m alone with my feelings about being around my mother and my feelings about not being a mother.

To stay authentic and connected, I am showing up and being seen with this experience.

I am writing this so whoever reads this and can relate with the emotions of the experiences, can know that they are not alone. I have been second guessing about whether to put this out there or not, for several reasons, one of which is that someone I know has lost her mother today. And also, because I look at all the flak people receive in the media for speaking about things like this and it almost stops me.

This time, I won’t let it stop me. The importance of connection and authenticity far outweigh any flak I might receive for any of the content of this article.

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The Magical Worry Box

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During one of my first units in my Diploma of Kinesiology – quite some time ago now, I was introduced to this technique of using a Worry Box.

Dunno who first came up with this technique, but to be honest, it hasn’t come up all that much in the years I have been both practicing Kinesiology & as a client.

But now…to me…it has become… The Magical Worry Box…..

The way it works is, you write down all your worries, individually on slips of paper & place them in the worry box. We then test for how many minutes a day & if there is a specific time of day for you to open this box & look at all the worries inside.

So it may be tested in a Kinesiology session, that you need to work with your worry box, say after dinner, for 10 minutes.

You take each piece of paper out in turn & say one says, “When will I get the vacuuming done?” – you then consider, “Do I want to worry about that?”, if you do, worry, then put it back in the box for tomorrow if you choose, or throw it away. If you find yourself thinking about any of the worries in the box at other times, you need to say to yourself,

Stop, you can deal with that later at your allotted time.”

Your worries may be about absolutely anything – from cleaning the house, to dealing with an illness. From your child going to a party, to issues in your relationship…..anything.

The point is choice. Choosing that these worries do NOT consume your life.

I have been doing this of late to deal with a particular situation where I have been perpetually overthinking, feeling anxious & trying to work something through.

So I decided to utilise this technique of The Magical Worry Box to help me.

Every night at 9:50 PM for 5 minutes, I open my box & look at my worries.

I have discovered several quite interesting things!!

Part of this technique is any time I start thinking about those things during the day, I interrupt myself & say: “Stop Jords, you can deal with that later at your allotted time.”

Now, in simply bringing awareness to every time I am thinking about those things, I am astounded at how much time & energy I am giving to my worries – basically to these things I have absolutely no control over!!!!!!

Say I’m awake for 16 hours in the day on average, I have actually been focusing on these things for about 4-6 hours out of every day.

I was shocked!

Then I stared to think of all the things I could have been thinking about, putting energy into instead!

I actually had to laugh at myself!!!!

The irony is, I get to my worry box, I look at the stuff in it & I’ve realised that it’s actually changed how I feel about it.

In giving myself permission to worry, it has taken the need or the habit of worry away. I have realised, it has almost become a habitual response to something I don’t understand & wish to. Just because I want to understand, does not mean I am going to understand in this way & worrying about it does very little other than taking up a lot of time & energy. I have been giving this situation so much power over me, doing this technique has helped me to start to channel this energy into the things that I want to.

When we interrupt negative thoughts or habitual patterns, or any patterns for that matter, whatever they are about, we start to develop new ways of dealing, new habits, new neural pathways. We design the way we want to live & what we want to focus on, rather than what we have always focused on or the way that we have always focused.

So, I ask you:

Is there anything that you are perpetually worrying about, putting lots of energy into? Would you like to be using that energy in other ways?


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The Expectation of Joy: A Balancing Act

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Last Sunday, I happened to go into a park to eat my lunch & I was pleasantly surprised to find a couple of ducks with about 12 babies, wondering around, going about their business. I was inspired.

I had my camera with me & took many many shots.

The sun was beaming down beautifully, making the water glisten & sparkle with fairy lights. There were an array of the smells of spring filling the air. It wasn’t too cold or warm. There were other people around & other ducks & birds too.

I was watching this little family unit & their dealings in their environment. The little ducklings were going about their business, finding things in the grass to eat, having a swim, struggling to climb back out of the pond. All the while, Mama & Papa duck were keeping an eye out. When a child or adult, or another duck would get to close, Papa would assume attack position & charge. It was rather amusing.

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This was a wonderful encounter with the unexpected.

On the flip side…..

Things come up that can throw us off balance. That shake our world. As human beings, we all have expectations. For me, the issue with having expectations, is what I go through when what I am expecting either doesn’t happen at all, or happens in a different way.

Now I don’t know about you, but this happens with me in varying degrees. There is a scale from, “OK, I can deal with this”, to “Oh no, my whole world is falling apart!!!” And anywhere in between.

So for me, most recently, I experienced the:

“Oh no, my whole world is falling apart!”

I realised the next day that it wasn’t that bad, but I had made it that bad, mainly with negative self talk, but also because my expectation for this event was incredibly high. I had placed a lot of time & energy into the expectation of this experience.

A few months ago, as part of my Kinesiology training, we covered a unit about Codependency.

Codependency can be seen as an emotional & behavioural condition which affects your ability to have healthy, mutually satisfying relationships. Codependents will often have low self esteem & look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. This can become a cycle of feeling powerless in your own life. We are often trapped by feelings of deficiency.

Sound familiar anyone?!!!

Us humans, we are codependent. We need human interaction. This can have a functional side – being there for someone, listening, sharing both the good & bad, and it can also have a dysfunctional side, in my case, a need to be needed.

In kinesiology, we work with this to become aware of your codependent behaviour, to elevate responses & shift towards better self care & self responsibility.

First step is awareness & the second step is acceptance.

When we can shift to a state of more independence, we can move from thinking we are not enough, or deficient, & more towards self love. To feel that it is safe to be me. To thinking, ‘I love myself the way I am’.

Interdependence is where individuals interact for mutual benefit with mutual love, respect, trust, interconnections & compassion. In a society we are each interdependent – others depend on me to do my job & I depend on others to do theirs.

Interdependence allows you to feel more in choice, living from spirit & higher self. We can say what we want without expectation, we can stay connected with someone & remain independent at the same time. This is where I would like to get to on a more permanent basis!!!

In the past, my need to be needed has at times been compulsive, like an addiction (Addiction to Distraction) I used to want to rescue people all the time. This need of mine not only didn’t serve me, but it ultimately didn’t serve others either.

I have since worked through many of those issues, however, those needs still do pop up. I have come to a place, most of the time, where I am more aware of them now, & can step in more towards independence & interdependence.

I have noticed a link between my need to be needed, my codependent tendency, the expectations that I have & the energy I put into those expectations. Not just expectations of other people, but of things & events as well. I have also recognised my tendency to look to things outside of myself to help me through, like this event.

Do any of you recognise any of these things in your interactions with people?

“No person, place or thing can give you happiness. They may give you cause for happiness and a feeling of contentment, but the joy of Living comes from within.”

Genevieve Behrend

I saw this quote around the same time I went into my “Oh no, my whole world is falling apart!” experience. It helped me to understand that all that energy of expectation in this event was about the joy I was bringing to the event, not the event itself.

And I can bring that same expectation of joy to anything. Because it comes from within. Not from people or events outside of me!!!!

I found my joy of living, quite unexpectedly on that Sunday, observing & photographing this family of ducks. I observed the healthy codependent interacting of these ducks within their environment & within their family unit. The interdependence between them. The independence of the ducklings as they wandered off on their own, maybe always knowing Mama and/or Papa were nearby. Them knowing when they’ve strayed too far, that maybe they still need their parents for certain things & at the same time their parents simultaneously giving them both freedom & independence. Allowing them to grow & thrive as they will.

They were an inspiration of interdependence in action!!!

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At the moment, I reckon the majority of the time, I am in independence – self love. I do dip into codependency – in a dysfunctional way. And what I am finding is that now that I know another way, it seems worse to step back into that role of needing to be needed.

I must say as well. There are people in my life who aren’t aware of my changes towards self love, even if I have spoken to them of my journey, who still treat me as though I am more in codependency. I am not sure why, maybe that’s how they will always see me. It takes extra energy with those people to maintain my new state. But I choose to do so.

Be prepared. When you make these kinds of changes in your life, some people, whether they are conscious of it or not, still need you to stay as you were, even if they say otherwise!!!! There is no fault here. It just is. 

These changes in behaviour are less than easy & as always, you have a choice.

A choice to stay as you have always been, or to change, expand, grow & eventually achieve a more permanent state of balance.