I used to dance. Actually for most of my life I was a dancer. I was also a choreographer. I never really got paid much for it. I mainly did it for the love of it. It was the only was that I could truly express myself. In fact I loved it so much, I eventually moved to London to dance for a couple of years & got to experience classes, shows & workshops with some awesomely inspirational people.
In 2007, as part of my final year of a Bachelor of Arts in Performance Studies, I choreographed my final piece. It was called “In the Absence of Presence”. At the time of choreographing it, I thought it was about myself & my partner at the time living in different countries for an extended period of time & how difficult that was.
However, looking back, there was always this little niggling feeling underneath it, that it wasn’t really about that. Which I chose to ignore. At the time I believed the relationship was something that it wasn’t.
Three years later, that 13 year relationship ended, in quite a shocking, heart breaking way, leaving me quite a mess, in quite a similar fashion as I have been lately. This break up also lead me to Kinesiology, so there is always light at the end of the tunnel, but I digress.
Another year or so later, I came across a flyer for “In the Absence of Presence”. I realised that the piece was never about me & my ex. It was about feeling absent from parts of me.
Now that was a massive revelation!!!!!!
And even now, with all the growth & change I have been experiencing, I am finding I am getting to another level of awareness of how I have been doing the same things. Trusting that the people around me, in my environment, know what is for my highest good. In that relationship, I believed my ex knew what was for my highest good, people now, the same thing, I have been putting faith in them & their truth above my own.
At the time I created “In the Absence of Presence”, I believed my ex’s truth SHOULD be my own. That was my awareness at the time.
Imagine my shock, disappointment, hurt & sadness to discover I am doing the same type of thing to this day. I have had a core belief that the truth of the people around me SHOULD be my own. And this is something that I am still working through & still feel shocked, disappointed, hurt & sad.
But little by little, step my step, I am gaining more awareness.
What really started me on this most recent path of new awareness, was my most recent Kinesiology session. Just looking at things from one level, my Kinesiologist was able to tap into a perspective that I hadn’t even considered for my situation at all.
It got me thinking. How often are we around the same people, with the same approaches to things, in the same environments? (This includes our own perspectives!!) How do we know when perhaps we need a fresh perspective? How do we know if perhaps our environments & the people in it (including ourselves) may actually be wanting us to stay in a particular way, because that’s what we know, that’s what the people around us know, & it may be serving a purpose. Others may need us to stay the way they want or need us to be, even if it is not for our highest good.
How often might we come across something or someone from our past & realise with a fresh perspective, what may have been going on underneath it all? Like coming across my flyer.
By the same token, is there a part of me that wants me, my environment & the people around me to stay as they are, because it is what I know, even if it isn’t for anyone’s highest good?
If this is the case, why? Why do we do this?
I find that this happens with my own Kinesiology clients as well. That even though there may be chronic pain, anxiety or other ongoing issues, there is a part of us that knows ourselves I like this & wants to remain the same, safe in what we know.
A part of us that maybe knows that once we have the awareness, change & growth inevitably follows. This can be scary…the unknown!!!
As one of my clients said, “Do I want to work that hard for something or someone?”
So how do we grow within this? Are we even aware of how we are keeping ourselves in a particular state of being? As with me in my session, my awareness was absent. Absent of some limitations I was putting on myself, how my environment & some people around me felt limiting. It was a bit of a shock to realise this absence of awareness, this absence of presence in my existence. Again!!!
I have been separating myself from the dancer part of me for a long time. For too long. I have been limiting myself with excuses:
- I am so much older
- All my injuries have come back to haunt me
- I am not dance fit
- Actually I’m not fit full stop!!!
- All the contemporary classes – which are my thang, are on the other side of town.
So…..limiting myself. Silly jordie.
In my kinesiology session, one of the things we worked on was being free to be me. About releasing a cage around my heart from when I was five. I had separated my emotional self because it kept getting rejected. I have been told through my life that I am too emotional, too sensitive, too intense. What I have realised is that I need to embrace it, welcome it, to own it.
Instead of rejecting myself for it. Maybe in accepting & owning that I am emotional, myself & others wouldn’t see it as a negative thing.
I had put limits on my emotional self being free.
So now I am posed with the question of what do I want to create? Do I want to continue to limit myself with how I can get back into dancing now? Or do I want to allow my focus with dance to be as it originally was. To express my true self. To move because I enjoy it, it brings me joy, allows me to expand in the physical sense of the word.
And if I allow myself to create expansion with dance expression, with the expression of how I truly feel, can I allow that intention to flow into creating that true expression through other aspects of my life? To feel the presence of all parts of me, not just the ones that I or someone else deem to be acceptable, but all parts. With no absence of presence.
I have found a couple of adult classes. The next step is to go & experience them with no expectation, and with the intention of feeling the joy of moving in this way again.
As with the awareness, one step at a time.
Ask yourself if you have ever felt those underlying niggling questions or doubts about a person or a situation.
Now ask yourself, what do you want to do about it? What do you want to create? Are you thinking, feeling, behaving in a way to create the life that you want?
Are you aware of what you want to create for yourself?